Recently a good friend of mine has been struggling with being childless. His wife has not been able to conceive and, even after a great deal of expense and invasive medicine, the last attempt was not successful. He told me that he had believed he would be okay if there was a miscarriage, but confessed that when it actually happened he discovered that he was really was not okay at all. It looked like there were tears in his eyes, though I know he was trying to be strong. After suffering from two miscarriages myself, I know that pain too well.
It occurred to me shortly after my talk with him to offer myself as a surrogate. I have had three healthy and beautiful children and, though I am no longer a spring chicken by anyone's measure, I believe I could carry a baby with no trouble at my age. And then it hit me . . . no doctor would consent to the procedure because of my weight. My own doctor was very concerned about my weight with my last two pregnancies. Issues with preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, and other pregnancy complications are far greater with an overweight mother. And too would be the concern that I would gain more weight myself. I can't diet while pregnant, of course.
Once again I find myself wishing things were different. Not for silly reasons like being embarrassed trying to go through a turnstile, not finding my size in the store, or having someone give me a pathetic "why bother?" look when I order a diet drink with my food. Those things are all a hassle and can be killer on one's self esteem, but this is something deeper - a limitation that prevents me from offering what might be the only hope my friends have.
I had to cry about it for awhile last night.
Next time you will see less of me,
--Annek
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